lifeaftercurt

Finding Myself Again

Will The Real Karol Please Stand Up

There is an explosion going on in my head right now. My mind is racing with thoughts I need to put into words and share. I say “need to” because I feel so compelled that until I do it, I’m finding it hard to think of anything else. I’ve been laying in bed at night and thinking about my blog. When away from my computer, I count the hours until I can get back to it and write. I think starting this blog may be one of the best things I have done for myself, post my husband.

It’s not that I think I have some great wisdom that’s never been told before. That’s not what’s driving me. No, that’s not it. As I sit here and take a moment to think about it, I know what it is though. What it is that’s driving me to write, to share, to speak out.

It’s the real me. The me that lives down deep inside and up till now has been stifled all these years. The me that I’ve ignored and forgotten while I let others close to me take the spotlight. Of course this was out of necessity. For years my needs, desires and fears seemed too pale in comparison to the looming needs of my family. When your a young mother, your kids are your priority. When your husband has a grave illness, he has center stage and rightly so. When you see your dear aging mother with so many needs and few years left, you set your own needs aside.

I can shake off everything as I write;
My sorrows disappear,
My courage is reborn.
– Anne Frank

So, I lost my voice. I forgot how to ask for what I need. After awhile, I didn’t even recognize that I had needs. They were pressed so deep inside with layers of stuff on top of them. Everyone else’s stuff! But now everyone else is gone. It’s just me. And I’m finding my voice again.

My close friends and family will laugh if they read this. They know my voice is fine. Sometimes I talk their ears off. Especially since I’ve lost my husband. But that is mostly a different, guarded kind of talk, and can sometimes be very intense. Not the freeing kind.

Trained psychologists say that journaling is good for your emotional and physical health. I am living proof. With each word I type I feel a freedom not known before. Even if no one reads this, it doesn’t matter. I am feeling light as air right now. The real Me is here and it’s my time to shine. 🌟

The Day The World Stopped

He’d been in the hospital for two weeks now, for rejection of his lung transplant. I was my ever optimistic self, thinking that nothing could go too terribly wrong. He’d been through so much already and always, ALWAYS he came out on top. The doctors had this situation under control, right!!?! That’s what they’d said for the whole two weeks anyway. That they could fix him. They were experts in their field and I had faith in them. And most importantly, I had been praying hard for the Lord to keep him safe, to make him better. Never mind that every outward sign was showing otherwise.

Dr. Lynch looked me in the eye and said,”Your husband is not going to make it.”

Admittedly, in the last few days it was getting harder and harder to stay optimistic. I had to literally force my mind to stay positive. And I did. For my husband and for myself. In my mind it was the only sane answer. The other option was beyond anything I wanted to think about. Just unimaginable. I kept praying for a small sign of improvement. Every morning at the hospital, I held hope that today would be the day. But every day I was let down. I had sealed myself to believe that it was God’s will for my husband to survive. It just had to be. Yet doom knocked at my door and and lurked in my every thought. It begin to follow me around like a dark cloud over my head. A miracle could still happen. I knew that. But would it? That question dogged my mind. I prayed for more faith and even visualized Curt being healed to bolster my strength.

So it was that my son, Josh and I were meeting with the three main doctors to discuss my husband’s treatment. It was a Sunday. I should have known what was coming. But I didn’t. After sitting down in a private room, Dr Lynch, looked me in the eye and said the unthinkable, “Your husband is not going to make it. We have done all we can.”

The words rolled off his lips and to my ears without comprehension. I sat stunned as one by one each doctor made their case for why they had come to that agreement. I heard the words twice again. “Curtis is not going to make it.” It was like a bad dream, like it wasn’t real. But I knew. Somewhere in my heart I already knew. Even before they said the words. That was the truth that was edging out my hope all along. The doctors left and gave my son and I some space. That’s when I broke down.

THE UNIMAGINABLE HAD HAPPENED.

Tears washed down my face as I fell into Joshua’s arms and sobbed. “I’m sorry son. I’m so sorry.” I heard myself saying over and over again. That’s all I could say as my mind and emotions, my total being, spun out of control.

There in that room, time stood still. It was March 8, 2015 at 3:00 in the afternoon and the world had just stopped for me.

It had completely stopped.

Life Is Amazing!

Life is Amazing!

It can take you to the highest pinnacle of elation where happiness, excitement, imagination, pleasure, and contentment carry you on the ride of your life.

But it can also drop you to your knees in gut retching sadness, despair, fear, guilt and depression where every fiber of your being is in unbelievable pain.

The funny thing is neither one lasts forever. Even though at the time, we think it will. The truth is,

LIFE truly does go on.

It is fluid. Ever changing. Allowing us the opportunity to become better and wiser people through the tough times and to soar and have a bit of fun during the good parts. It is my hope that we will all find reasons to be thankful no matter where we are on our journey.

This blog is about living through Life’s extreme experiences and the quiet moments in between. I’ve promised myself to keep it real, but balanced with hope (mostly) and to go wherever my heart leads me. All guards down. There will be a few different topics here as no one’s life can be covered by just one. Mostly I’ll be writing about my experiences with sickness, death and loss of the most important people in my life, especially my husband. That includes going through the process of his double lung transplant, and let me tell you, that was huge! I’ll be sharing how I am finding my way back to life again after all the loss. As I do, I intent to bring forward the realities of my having a profound hearing loss in today’s world. So there will be a few posts about that too. Lastly, but no less important, I want to share some personal life stories. Snippets called “The Times of My Life.” Who knows, maybe someday my life stories will become a book. (Hey a girl can dream can’t she?)

On March 14, 2015 death took my sweet husband away from me. After 33 years of marriage, he was gone. Just. Like. That.

For me, my life will be forever divided into two parts: The life I lived before my husband died and my…..

Life After Curt.