There is an explosion going on in my head right now. My mind is racing with thoughts I need to put into words and share. I say “need to” because I feel so compelled that until I do it, I’m finding it hard to think of anything else. I’ve been laying in bed at night and thinking about my blog. When away from my computer, I count the hours until I can get back to it and write. I think starting this blog may be one of the best things I have done for myself, post my husband.
It’s not that I think I have some great wisdom that’s never been told before. That’s not what’s driving me. No, that’s not it. As I sit here and take a moment to think about it, I know what it is though. What it is that’s driving me to write, to share, to speak out.
It’s the real me. The me that lives down deep inside and up till now has been stifled all these years. The me that I’ve ignored and forgotten while I let others close to me take the spotlight. Of course this was out of necessity. For years my needs, desires and fears seemed too pale in comparison to the looming needs of my family. When your a young mother, your kids are your priority. When your husband has a grave illness, he has center stage and rightly so. When you see your dear aging mother with so many needs and few years left, you set your own needs aside.
I can shake off everything as I write;
My sorrows disappear,
My courage is reborn.
– Anne Frank
So, I lost my voice. I forgot how to ask for what I need. After awhile, I didn’t even recognize that I had needs. They were pressed so deep inside with layers of stuff on top of them. Everyone else’s stuff! But now everyone else is gone. It’s just me. And I’m finding my voice again.
My close friends and family will laugh if they read this. They know my voice is fine. Sometimes I talk their ears off. Especially since I’ve lost my husband. But that is mostly a different, guarded kind of talk, and can sometimes be very intense. Not the freeing kind.
Trained psychologists say that journaling is good for your emotional and physical health. I am living proof. With each word I type I feel a freedom not known before. Even if no one reads this, it doesn’t matter. I am feeling light as air right now. The real Me is here and it’s my time to shine. 🌟
Life After Curt 